"Wow, typing 3/4 in the subject line comes with many emotions. I'm not sure I will ever forget that day 6 years ago. We knew they found a 4-5 inch tumor in my mom's stomach but had no idea what it really was until the surgeon could remove it. But I knew it wasn't good by the sound of my mom's voice telling me about the tumor. I asked her what was going to happen and she replied honestly, "I don't know." In all my life, I had never heard this uncertainty and shakiness in her voice. And it was terrifying. Surgery was scheduled for 3/4/2011. I had newborn Cooper who was fresh out of the NICU for only a couple weeks. But I got to go up to the hospital before mom's surgery to pray with her. She was obviously her funny self making light of the amazing hospital gown she had to wear. I left as she went back for surgery. I had to get back to Cooper at home. I anxiously awaited news of how everything went. My sisters called and told me to head in and they would fill me in on everything as soon as I got to mom's house before heading to the hospital to see her. I knew it was bad because they couldn't tell me over the phone and then let me drive 30 minutes to see her. I love them for that but I knew. I cried the whole drive in. The 4-5 inch tumor was an adenocarcinoma, the worst, most aggressive tumor you can have. My mom had stage IV gastric cancer.
I replay March 4th in my head often but now, I see it a little different. Jesus is the master at redeeming anything in life. How was he going to redeem that painful day for me because at that point in my life, I almost lost all faith. As some of you know, I was told not to have more kids after Cooper's frightening entry into this world. I was mourning this as well as mom's cancer diagnosis. Mike and I wanted more kids. So, I just kinda let Jesus take it. Seriously, it was like me saying "ok, you say God is good and that you love me but mom has cancer and we wanted more kids so now what? I'm not sure I believe in you." My sweet friend Jill said, "God can totally heal your body, I will be praying that." That little spark of faith from Jill sent me to a specialist to discuss my options. I'm telling you, sometimes Jesus shows up through people and Jill has been one of those people for me. I then had a moment with God and threw my hands up saying, "ok, show me what you got. Because I got nothing. I can't wrap my head around any of this. If I'm supposed to have more babies, can I at least be able to tell my mom before she dies because she's going to die because you're not saving her." I was angry. He knew it. He heard it. And He was going to show me just how much He really loved me and that He doesn't cause these devastating things that happen to us in life.
I found out I was pregnant with Crosby in June 2012. I told mom on June 28th. I can't even describe the magic of that conversation and the joy we both shared together. She asked when the due date was. Through tears I said, "March 4th, 2012." She passed away in July 2012. He redeemed that day for me. And my proof is sitting here with me right now. Don't lose hope friends. He hears you, He sees you, and He loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, how little faith you may have, or what you've done. He will always work it together for good (Romans 8:28.)
I hope you've had a wonderful week so far! I am looking forward to this Saturday 7am at the Brentwood Library! I attached the 8 and 9 mile routes. And I wanted to share some pictures of mom and Cooper. The first is her holding him in the hospital after surgery. The other one of their bald heads is in a frame in my house that says, Courage..."
I got to complete 9 miles with my cousin Katie this morning. It was good for my soul. There's nothing better than beautiful conversation about life in beautiful weather! Today, I am celebrating my sweet kids that I am so blessed to have. The fact I have 5 beautiful children is mind blowing and incredibly amazing. They are living proof that miracles happen. I am celebrating Waves of Grace and this life-giving ministry the Lord has placed in our hands. I am amazed that He somehow reached me in my grief. I did not know how to handle the loss of my mother and best friend. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her and hearing her voice ever again. It was like He said, "Here, take this. This is what I want you to do with your grief. This is how you will still feel close to your mom and this is what I want these cancer patients to experience, rest."
Thanks for supporting our mission at Waves of Grace. Your prayers, encouragement, and donations have blown us away.
