Constant One

Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!  Seeing all of the Mother's Day posts today on facebook and other social media made me miss being able to spend the day with my mom.  All the pictures of everyone with their moms were beautiful.  I always knew I got a good one.  She was always so much fun.  She loved me no matter what.  She was such a sweet Nana to my kids.  I was never really sure what I wanted to do with my life but I knew one thing, I wanted to be a mom.  And a mom I became to these four beautiful faces. 

I remember the day my Callie was born like it was yesterday.  I can't believe she just turned 6.  I thought my heart was going to shatter into a thousand pieces when she got on the bus for her first day of kindergarten.  She's beautiful, smart, moving up in gymnastics, and she's the best big sister to her 3 little brothers. She made me a mommy. 

My boys are growing so fast!  They are so handsome and so sweet.  Cooper is my sensitive one.  He is very much in touch with his emotions.  Love that he shares his feelings with us.  He looks just like his daddy.  He's four and already reading.  He's trying to keep up with Callie and always asks to do homework when she has to do hers.  It's true that every child is different and parenting one child can be way different than parenting another.  I've had to step it up a bit with wild man Crosby.  He has kept us on our toes.  He doesn't stop talking from the time he wakes up till naptime and then bedtime. He's full of fun and loves to draw on everything with sharpies.  Spitting is his new favorite thing to do.  Baby Clay is at the age where I just want to freeze time.  He's got the cutest curls and rolls. He loves to eat.  He's always smiling.  I could just eat him up he's so sweet.  

Having four kids has been a dream.  We are always busy, our house is a mess, we barely have time to shower, but we wouldn't have it any other way.  We were pretty sure we were done having kids.  I mean four kids is alot.  People think we are crazy.  Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am crazy.  I love life, I love kids, I love my husband, and I love being a mom.  There are moments when we feel really exhausted.  But more than those moments are moments of pure joy raising kids with the one you've dreamed of. When I look at these four faces, I see my love.  I see Mike's face.  I see a piece of his personality in each of them.  How could I not want more kids with this man?  It's Mother's Day, but he's the one who gave me what I've dreamed of doing my whole life, being a mom.    

Mike and I were shocked to find out we would welcome baby #5 in November 2015.  We were always open to more kids, but not quite this soon.  We felt overwhelmed with the news but that didn't last long.  We became so excited about our growing family!  I continued to train for the half marathon with Waves of Grace.  Not many people knew.  I was planning on telling my friends and family the weekend of the race or this weekend.  We lost our baby a week and a half ago.  I knew the week before the race that there was no heartbeat.  We were devastated but holding onto hope that maybe my dates were off, etc. Follow up ultrasound - no heartbeat.  I actually felt labor and miscarried at the ER because of complications. The only time I've ever felt this much pain and grief was after mom passed away.  My heart goes out to everyone who's lost a baby whether it was during pregnancy or at any age after birth. I cannot imagine how much that hurts so deep. Our baby was only 10 weeks when we lost it but I was already so in love with him/her.  From the moment I found out we were pregnant, I fell madly in love with our baby in my belly.  The past two weeks have been difficult for me.  I find myself asking why but am always pointed back to Jesus somehow.  When I try to figure it out, when I stare at my circumstance, I get angry, confused, and sad.  I can't wrap my head around it.  But when I look at Jesus, I know that no part of losing my baby was from Him, He loves me, and that wasn't His plan for my baby.  We don't know why it happened. The only thing that makes sense in any of it is Him, the Constant One.

https://youtu.be/R0-7yOE8IjM


I am confident I will be reunited with mom and my baby in heaven one day.  I imagine that mom would be standing there with my child and that he or she would look just like Mike.  What a beautiful picture of heaven!

My Mother's Day was spent with my kids and Mike's family.  We also attended a funeral of a dear friend of the family who loved Mom and loved the beach.  I've been busy working out details for a family of 7 that needs a vacation sooner than later.  Time is key.  They will be headed to Orange Beach, AL May 15th in the same building Waves of Grace was started.  Grateful my Mom still gives to others through this ministry.  I'd love to say it was my idea.  It's not.  Thank you Jesus.

Grace in Pain

I've been following Kara Tippetts www.mundanefaithfulness.com through her journey with cancer. She's an amazing writer. She speaks of dying so beautifully. I never thought that was possible. Her blogs have reached me in places of loss and hurt with losing my mom to cancer almost 3 years ago. I'm reminded of the beauty of heaven and Jesus in all the hard places as well as the good ones. This last part of her blog a few days ago made me think of my grief after losing mom and all of the questions I had. I was filled with emotions but mainly anger and sadness. The only thing I could do was just keep searching for Jesus in those places because I knew I couldn't do it. I was basically throwing my hands up saying "I've got nothing! I have no explanations. I have no answers. I have no peace. I've got nothing!" But I knew who had all of these things and I knew He would rescue me, He would father me, He would mother me, He would give me hope and He would always love me. He became every part of my day. I could feel grace, hope, joy, peace, forgiveness, and all of these amazing gifts pouring over me. He gave Mike and I Waves of Grace. There was a time when I believed nothing good could possibly ever come out of my mom dying of cancer.  But He works all things together for good. Romans 8:28. He wasn't just going to leave us with mom dying. My sister, Julie, became a mom. My sister, Ang, started a fresh new journey in AZ with her family. Buddy remarried. Mike and I are raising our kids under the oak trees. Mom is certainly missed every day. But I feel her more each day in a different way. I used to be scared I'd forget her voice or her hands. But I get to see beautiful visions of her that I've never seen before in giving beach trips, in my new niece and nephew, in the strength of my oldest sister adventuring across the US to AZ! There are still things I don't completely understand but I'm not fearful, sad, or discouraged. I'm excited and hopeful to see how God will use them for good because He will. I've seen it! 

"Maybe I’m on a journey, and the journey is more beautiful than any of us can comprehend. And if we did understand, we would hold very loosely to one another because I’m going to be with Jesus. There is grace that will seep into all the cracks and pained places when we don’t understand. In the places we don’t understand we get to seek. And how lovely is one seeking truth. Stunning." -Kara Tippetts

Go where you feel Jesus, where you feel called even if you're unsure how it's gonna work out. Most likely, it'll be better ;) He's gone before you and He's got this. Love this song. 

http://youtu.be/FgAzLKXqcDk