I got out of the house this morning to run an errand before Mike had to leave for work. As soon as I got in the car, tears started flowing. I wasn't really sure why. Maybe it's because I cleaned out my desk and found cards mom had given me and the kids. She had no idea how much I would appreciate them and how even the simple act of putting the date on them brings me back to that time with her and what birthday or occasion it was. Then the memories of mom's last week flooded my mind. There are some beautiful memories from that week with her and my family. But then there are also difficult ones too. And for some reason, the difficult ones kept repeating in my head. The ache of my heart bathing her because she was too weak to get out of bed is one memory I'm not sure I want anymore. Its too much for me to think back to when her body began to fade. It's true what they say about grief ambush. It comes out of nowhere and it hits you like a ton of bricks. I began telling Jesus to replace that memory for me at least for today. I couldn't get it out of my mind. And I couldn't stop crying. I got myself together somehow and finished my errands.
I decided to move from the desk to my closet. Both are a disaster so I felt like cleaning them out today would be a good way to keep me busy while the kids napped. I found a box of pictures and letters I had tucked back into a shelf that my mom's friend, Deb, had sent me. What a box of treasures that is! I had forgotten they were up there. I sat down and went through them again, each one bringing back memories of how fun mom was. She was beautiful, funny, friendly, loving, and the list could go on. There were so many good pictures capturing her personality in the box I never knew existed until Deb sent them to me. I am grateful she sent them. I took this one picture out and stared at it forever wondering what she's thinking, was she sea sick (ha), was she thinking about her life? One thing is for sure, there's no doubt she was in awe of the view. Something about the ocean is freeing. She didn't know her love for the ocean would be passed on to complete strangers battling cancer. The more I thought about this picture and when it was taken and who she was with and what she was thinking, how beautiful she looks, I began to realize Jesus was replacing the memories that were playing on repeat in my mind this morning. He led me to this beautiful picture I will cherish forever. Psalm 30:11
