Merry Christmas from the Matwijecs

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Matwijecs!

Jennifer, Mike, Callie (8), Cooper (6), Crosby (4), Clay (3), Grace (23 months)

This is such a sweet time of year especially in this season of life with 5 kids age 8 and under. Sure, it's complete chaos at times like this past weekend when my garbage disposal fell off under the sink mid dish washing while Mike was taking #3 to a birthday party. Water everywhere. I'm screaming for towels and everyone is staring at me like I've lost my mind. Thanks to Grandpa for saving the day! Oh, and the minivan has attitude, "I'll start when I want to." We can't fit all the kids in Mike's fancy sedan so I'm going to need the van to get it together soon. Anyways, chaos aside, the joy of the season we are in leaves me speechless when I sit back and think about it. I started a new family blog when we bought my childhood home as a way for me to "journal" life as a mom of 5, wife, nonprofit director, and entrepreneur. Ok, that last one is still in the works but I cannot wait to share what we are working on! With this blog, I want to leave a tangible footprint of who I am and who we are as a family so that when life gets chaotic, my kids (and Mike) can have a place to visit and read how much I ADORE them. It's a place that will always point them to Jesus. 

I am a little behind (imagine that) blogging our beach pictures by the amazing Pure7 Studios. These are treasures. I am so grateful for Ryan and Erica and everything they do for Waves of Grace. I can't watch the video without crying. Ryan captured their precious faces and personalities perfectly.  

I am incredibly grateful these 5 call me mom. I am so proud of the sweet children they are becoming. Parenting can be exhausting. I'm thankful that when I've got nothing left, Jesus can do the rest. When I screw it up, Jesus can restore it. When I can't be there with them, Jesus is always there. When I'm sinking in mom guilt, His grace abounds. When I forget the lunch, the meeting, the homework, the little things that are big things, He does not forget. He's etched their names on the palms of his hands (Isaiah 49:16.) Exhale. 

2017 Memories was made so that we can look back and see how we've grown and how amazing life is. The kids loved helping and asked if we could do one every year. Ha! Of course we can if the stars align where two kids nap, two are at school, one's not cutting molars and there's no laundry. 

We hope you and your loved ones have a very Merry Christmas! We are so excited for Santa to visit but more importantly, we're celebrating God's love for us. We're grateful for Jesus. If you're not really sure what Jesus' birth has to do with anything, I can honestly say I've had the same thoughts. If you aren't really sure where you stand in your beliefs, I know what it feels like. I grew up going to church but never really asked any questions so when a cancer diagnosis of a loved one comes along, nothing made sense. Angry, I hear ya. Not really sure why things happen and if God is really good? Download this free podcast, Untangled. This is the good news!

We continue to be blown away by everyone's support of Waves of Grace. Thank you for believing in our mission. It was an honor to be featured in the Tennessean. 

Mourning into Dancing

This time of year is always a little harder for me now that mom is in heaven. I think it's because she loved this time of year. She loved decorating for fall. My birthday is coming up and I think its the hardest day without her. She just really knew how to celebrate me. I am sure anyone that knew her, knew how she loved so well. She knew how important it was to celebrate life. That's something she had revelation of before she ever got sick. I found a card in my desk drawer today that was from her and it was all about living in the moment, "be sweet, study hard, work a little, laugh a lot, enjoy & live life as it is today." 

I got out of the house this morning to run an errand before Mike had to leave for work. As soon as I got in the car, tears started flowing. I wasn't really sure why. Maybe it's because I cleaned out my desk and found cards mom had given me and the kids. She had no idea how much I would appreciate them and how even the simple act of putting the date on them brings me back to that time with her and what birthday or occasion it was. Then the memories of mom's last week flooded my mind. There are some beautiful memories from that week with her and my family. But then there are also difficult ones too. And for some reason, the difficult ones kept repeating in my head. The ache of my heart bathing her because she was too weak to get out of bed is one memory I'm not sure I want anymore. Its too much for me to think back to when her body began to fade. It's true what they say about grief ambush. It comes out of nowhere and it hits you like a ton of bricks. I began telling Jesus to replace that memory for me at least for today. I couldn't get it out of my mind. And I couldn't stop crying. I got myself together somehow and finished my errands. 

I decided to move from the desk to my closet. Both are a disaster so I felt like cleaning them out today would be a good way to keep me busy while the kids napped. I found a box of pictures and letters I had tucked back into a shelf that my mom's friend, Deb, had sent me. What a box of treasures that is! I had forgotten they were up there. I sat down and went through them again, each one bringing back memories of how fun mom was. She was beautiful, funny, friendly, loving, and the list could go on. There were so many good pictures capturing her personality in the box I never knew existed until Deb sent them to me. I am grateful she sent them. I took this one picture out and stared at it forever wondering what she's thinking, was she sea sick (ha), was she thinking about her life? One thing is for sure, there's no doubt she was in awe of the view. Something about the ocean is freeing. She didn't know her love for the ocean would be passed on to complete strangers battling cancer. The more I thought about this picture and when it was taken and who she was with and what she was thinking, how beautiful she looks, I began to realize Jesus was replacing the memories that were playing on repeat in my mind this morning. He led me to this beautiful picture I will cherish forever. Psalm 30:11

Colorful Dreams

"Mommy, I see colors when I close my eyes. Do you see colors when you close your eyes?" -Callie, a little anxious sounding. "I don't know Callie, its way past your bedtime. Please go to sleep" I told her after a bedtime meltdown which she has often. And nothing in me wanted to talk about why we see colors or lights when we close our eyes. My glass of wine was waiting on me downstairs. For some reason, she's always been the hardest to put to bed. Maybe it's because we rocked her to sleep as a baby and tip-toed out of her room. I swore I'd put the rest of my babies down when they were still awake so they could self soothe and fall asleep on their own. I will say with 5 kids, that was the best decision of my parenting life. 

We are only a week away from school starting for Callie and Cooper and about a month away for Crosby and Clay. My patience is thin and the kids are constantly fighting or bored it seems. Mom guilt sneaks up and I feel like a failure some days. I know it's not the case in the bigger picture of my kids' lives. I am a great mom. Are my kids having any fun this summer?! Yes. Am I going through the motions some days just to get through the day? Yes. Are we giving each of them the attention they need? We try our best. That's the thing about having 5 kids, there's 5 different hearts and minds to love and encourage. 5 different attitudes to discipline, 5 different little beings that need my undivided attention throughout the day. With all 5 home, it's impossible sometimes. I feel like my mind and body are pulled in 5 different directions all day long. 

These two fight constantly but they also play so well together. Must be the age difference of 13 months. 

Cooper and Daddy

A trip to Krispy Kreme

McDonald's on "happy" day for Waves of Grace

We took the kids to where we had our wedding reception.

The picture above was a game they came up with on their own. Take Daddy's socks out of his drawer and play ninja. Socks were everywhere but it kept them busy and it was pretty funny. Below is one of the many "tents" they built this summer. They love taking over the living room so much that we are currently talking about turning it into more of a den with a tv. 

Poor Crosby. This guy hits the floor running (literally) from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep.

Best friends

Little bit is 18lbs at her 18 month checkup. She's still not walking but we are hopeful it's going to happen any day now. 

We lined them up to see the height differences. We told Callie her brothers would be taller than her, Grace, and me. 

I got a sweet reminder laying with Callie last night at bedtime. This summer has been a whirlwind. At times where I feel pulled in different directions by my children, I know Jesus is with them when I can't be. I believe it and I pray it everyday. Jesus, take care of their hearts when Mike and I can't. Comfort them when they feel alone. Listen when they feel unheard. When worry creeps in, remind me you've got them. When guilt creeps in, remind me tomorrow is a brand new day. When I don't know all the answers and even when I do, I'm pointing them to you. "Mommy, I know why I see colors when I close my eyes! Jesus is telling me stories with colors!" -Callie, age 8. 

Loving my kids this summer...

Wow, it's the end of June. I am feeling victorious that we've survived over half of summer but also a little overwhelmed that we have July to go. I am grateful Mike's job allows him the flexibility to help during the day if Callie needs to be picked up at the gym if littles are napping. I knew going into summer that being home with all 5 would be challenging. I heard lots of comments like "how are you going to do it?" "are you freaking out about summer?" "did you sign them up for every camp imaginable?" and lots of other ones eluding to the fact that summer was going to kick my ass. I'd think the same things looking in if I did not have 5 kids. It looks really crazy on the outside but when you're in it, it's different. Not that it's any less crazy but we embrace the crazy. We've had to make some not so fun decisions this summer like buying new windows, fixing the van, saving for starting the business, and other fun adulting responsibilities. Yay. Can you sense my enthusiasm? So, we've sat out some camps and activities this summer but we are looking forward to fall soccer with 3 boys and Callie's competitive gymnastics meets! We're also looking forward to spending more time on our new business venture once the kids are back in school. We've been prioritizing the kids, real estate, and Waves of Grace so not much time has been put into developing our business but we've been able to establish it, set up a bank account, work with a graphic designer on the logo, buy the domain, and working with In Form Creations on designing the website. All are very exciting things but we just need more time. It is my hope that our business will help further the mission of Waves of Grace and also help other organizations make a difference in the world. Fundraising is hard. If I can help other nonprofits bring in donations, my heart will be happy. And if we can sustain our family off of our mission to make the world a better place, my heart will explode.

There's days when I am #momoftheyear and there are days when I completely blow it. Of course we all tend to only share the #winning moments as moms on social media. Take the picture of Grace above for example. She's adorable sitting there on a towel by the pool with a banana. I didn't post any pictures of me sweating getting 5 kids ready, sunscreened up while screaming, and throwing towels in the car after forgetting them and turning around at the end of the street. No pictures posted of the goldfish and chips she ate off the ground moments later. I do it. We all do. And you know what? I'm totally fine with it because I know better than to think we all have our shit together. Being a mom of 1 is hard. Being a mom of 5 is hard. We're all doing the best we can. 

I loved this moment with Callie. She woke up one morning asking to do her summer bible study work that her teacher had given her. Pretty sure I never wanted to do anything like this much less go to church when I was her age. Yeah, I memorized the books of the bible but it was only because there was some reward or something out of it. And I didn't want to be the only one in the class that couldn't do it. Motivated by reward, fear, shame, yes. I love our Sunday night church so much. It's all motivated by love. It's all motivated by Jesus. I hope to continue to parent my kids motivated by love.  I love Danny Silk's book "Loving Your Kids On Purpose." He says "without true heart to heart connection with our children, we are powerless to guide them without using manipulative techniques like fear." If you ever need a good parenting book, read it! 

Mike as a dad and a husband - I thank God everyday I get the benefits of how he loves us! I know I say it a lot but he really is such a beautiful example in my life of how God loves us. Having 5 kids with 5 different personalities is a big responsibilities as parents. Its our job to make sure all their basic needs are met but also their heart needs. They are all so different and Mike takes the time to love them each in their own "love language." 

Mike speaks life over our kids and me. I see it babe and it is beautiful. I don't always tell you but sometimes it just blows me away. Out of all 5 kids, Cooper is our most sensitive. He's smart, kind, strong, and loves animals, worms, exploring, and experiments. He's very affectionate but not really towards me. Everyone needs a hug and kiss from me when I leave the house except Coop. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's because Mike basically raised him the first year of his life and possibly the second year as well. I mean, I was there but I wasn't "there." I was at the hospital or chemotherapy with mom a lot. She had her major surgery to remove the tumor from her stomach when Coop was only 1 month old. I was pulled in different directions constantly those two years. And my heart was breaking. I look back at old pictures from those two years and I just want to reach in and pick him up and cuddle him. I long for those missed cuddle times. He prefers Daddy at bedtime and hanging out with Grandma over me any day. And I am totally ok with that. I gave Cooper a hug and kiss goodbye when I left the house the other day. Everyone wanted one so I walked over to Coop and just gave him one. He was super annoyed. Maybe it's me, maybe it's his age but he just continued on with whatever he was doing. It took me back to those two years I feel I "missed." Mike whispered to me "keep trying." That was a really beautiful picture of Jesus in that moment. He was using Mike to reassure me that He will redeem those years for me and Cooper or wherever the disconnect may be. I just keep asking Jesus to show me ways to connect with Cooper. And with all my kids.

My girls. Wow, I am so blown away that these beauties are ours. I look at Callie and see where I was so nervous becoming a mom. I'm still trying to figure it out. She's my oldest so we are feeling out life together. I see Grace with the knowledge that we'll be able to get through anything because she defines that for me. She's my unexpected, unearned, unmerited favor. She's a gift wrapped up in a petite, curly haired beautiful baby. I love that they get to see how Mike loves me. They'll know never to settle for anything less. I hope she sees that communication, affirmation, and affection are so important to build loving relationships. I want them to see that we not only love each other, but we really like each other. We really like being together. 

Clay is my cuddle bug. He's the sweetest kid but he's also picking up a few tricks here and there that his big brothers teach him. Some are great. Some are gross. Ha! He's hilarious and has memorized most of the movie "Annie" or "Andy" as he likes to call it. He requests to watch it almost everyday in "mommy's bed." Thankfully, he hasn't asked today. He finished up swim lessons yesterday. He got over his fear of the water and participated in the whole class! 

Crosby loves to know why. Why this, why that? He loves playing outside and is starting to sound like big sis asking about the weather all the time. He doesn't take shit from anyone and will scream or fight back in a heartbeat. He is the middle child and no matter how hard I try to not make birth order define each of them, it kinda does sometimes. Ha! He's so fun and inquisitive. 

Our impromptu Cumberland Park splash pad trip downtown was so fun the other day. It was free and the kids loved it! It was much easier than taking them all to a pool and constantly counting heads to make sure everyone was above water. 

 Love being a mom of 5. I'd be lying if I said stress hasn't gotten the best of me being home with them all this summer. It's fun. It's hard. It's exhausting. I was sick the other week with GI issues that I used to get a long time ago. I was so confused why they were back but truth be known, it's stress. Stress does crazy things to your body. So, deep breaths and a "come to Jesus" and I am feeling much better! Callie likes to jump ahead in life. We can be in the middle of something so fun and she'll ask "what's next?" I love that she loves life! But I am trying to teach her to live in the moment. Enjoy what we are doing now instead of what's next because we might miss some really cool experiences. I am also preaching this to myself. Getting through summer one day, one moment at a time. The minute I start thinking about what needs to get done, I lose my peace. Thankful for Mike, family, and friends that make me laugh and cry through the craziness!

After I lost mom to cancer, I asked the Lord to show me glimpses of her. I missed her and needed reminders of who she was, what she looked like, how she sounded, etc. Every now and then, I get one. Actually, I was blessed to get two this week. I saw her hands rocking Grace. And I saw her in the picture below after visiting the cemetery yesterday. Mike was swinging with Grace on the front porch when me and the boys got home. It was one of her favorite spots with us and the grandkids. It was really beautiful to pull in the driveway and get a glimpse of what you'd normally see when you drove up to the yellow house. And is was a sweet shot of how much Mike loves our kids. He knows how much Grace loves to be outside.

Until next time... Cheers to the rest of summer! Someone just peed in the their bed at nap time.

The closet is trashed again but I saw Jesus.

It's been 3 weeks since school let out for summer break. This is fun and overwhelming for most parents. Sure, it's great to not have to pack lunches and push the kids out the door to the bus stop and preschool. I'm not one for strict schedules and structures so it's been nice to wing it most days and spontaneously go swimming or walk to the park. We didn't sign the kids up for camps, vbs, or summer play days at preschool and I am feeling it this week. Ha! But we do have swim lessons for the boys next week and Callie's gymnastics. We are registering 3 boys for fall soccer. So this quiet summer before school, gymnastics meets, and soccer starts up will be nice if we can make it through without a trip to the ER. The door closed on Callie's hand this morning. Thankfully she is fine. And we are all getting through summer days with lots of grace.

The last 3 weeks have been pretty emotional for many reasons. 5 kids at home all summer will make anyone a little crazy. We have house repairs coming at us left and right. It's all part of home owning and adulting. I think this time of year is just difficult in general ever since mom passed away. July 15th will make 5 years without her. Grief changes. I don't think it gets easier. Just different. I think what I am realizing these last few weeks is that the more time passes without my mom, I find myself panicking. It's like the farther away my contact with her gets, I'm fumbling around life trying to remember every part of her. And some days, I just can't remember and I can't find her and life feels really overwhelming without the one person that always came to the rescue.

This morning the kids got creative and made the bottom of the coat closet (that I just cleaned out) into a lil corner to play in with flashlights, snacks, pillows, and toys. I could hear them giggling and then all of a sudden they were yelling my name and freaking out because they could not see anything. Clay had turned the flashlight off and no one could find it anywhere amongst the items they shoved in the closet. And then it clicked. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. This was my 3 weeks in a nut shell. I dropped my flashlight and I can't find it because of all this other stuff in life happening around me. I know it's there. But I know mom isn't. My kids had me to physically open the closet door and help them find the flashlight. I don't have that person. And I miss it terribly. I do however, have an amazing husband, friends, and sisters that point me to the light. They help me see when I can't. They remind me who I am. They laugh with me and cry with me. They point me to Jesus who can rescue me in any situation. Some days it's hard to grasp that when you don't actually physically feel it or see it. But I'm grateful He shows up in those places. I'm grateful He teaches me how much He loves me through my kids. I hope that when my kids look back on this silly blog of my thoughts, that they know they always have a rescuer in Mike and I, but more importantly Jesus. Mike and I won't be around forever and there will be times in our lives that we just can't be there with each one of them. And there will be instances where rescuing them isn't within our human capability. When they're fumbling around for the light, I hope they remember it's never lost. It's always with them, it's in them and it will always rescue them no matter what's happening because Jesus is the light.

March 4th

I just wanted to blog the Team Waves email from this week for my family but also to maybe encourage others. Jesus can redeem anything. I know this because I've seen it. Today is such a hard, but beautiful day for many reasons. 

"Wow, typing 3/4 in the subject line comes with many emotions. I'm not sure I will ever forget that day 6 years ago. We knew they found a 4-5 inch tumor in my mom's stomach but had no idea what it really was until the surgeon could remove it. But I knew it wasn't good by the sound of my mom's voice telling me about the tumor. I asked her what was going to happen and she replied honestly, "I don't know." In all my life, I had never heard this uncertainty and shakiness in her voice. And it was terrifying. Surgery was scheduled for 3/4/2011. I had newborn Cooper who was fresh out of the NICU for only a couple weeks. But I got to go up to the hospital before mom's surgery to pray with her. She was obviously her funny self making light of the amazing hospital gown she had to wear. I left as she went back for surgery. I had to get back to Cooper at home. I anxiously awaited news of how everything went. My sisters called and told me to head in and they would fill me in on everything as soon as I got to mom's house before heading to the hospital to see her. I knew it was bad because they couldn't tell me over the phone and then let me drive 30 minutes to see her. I love them for that but I knew. I cried the whole drive in. The 4-5 inch tumor was an adenocarcinoma, the worst, most aggressive tumor you can have. My mom had stage IV gastric cancer. 

I replay March 4th in my head often but now, I see it a little different. Jesus is the master at redeeming anything in life. How was he going to redeem that painful day for me because at that point in my life, I almost lost all faith. As some of you know, I was told not to have more kids after Cooper's frightening entry into this world. I was mourning this as well as mom's cancer diagnosis. Mike and I wanted more kids. So, I just kinda let Jesus take it. Seriously, it was like me saying "ok, you say God is good and that you love me but mom has cancer and we wanted more kids so now what? I'm not sure I believe in you." My sweet friend Jill said, "God can totally heal your body, I will be praying that." That little spark of faith from Jill sent me to a specialist to discuss my options. I'm telling you, sometimes Jesus shows up through people and Jill has been one of those people for me. I then had a moment with God and threw my hands up saying, "ok, show me what you got. Because I got nothing. I can't wrap my head around any of this. If I'm supposed to have more babies, can I at least be able to tell my mom before she dies because she's going to die because you're not saving her." I was angry. He knew it. He heard it. And He was going to show me just how much He really loved me and that He doesn't cause these devastating things that happen to us in life. 

I found out I was pregnant with Crosby in June 2012. I told mom on June 28th. I can't even describe the magic of that conversation and the joy we both shared together. She asked when the due date was. Through tears I said, "March 4th, 2012." She passed away in July 2012. He redeemed that day for me. And my proof is sitting here with me right now. Don't lose hope friends. He hears you, He sees you, and He loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, how little faith you may have, or what you've done. He will always work it together for good (Romans 8:28.)

I hope you've had a wonderful week so far! I am looking forward to this Saturday 7am at the Brentwood Library! I attached the 8 and 9 mile routes. And I wanted to share some pictures of mom and Cooper. The first is her holding him in the hospital after surgery. The other one of their bald heads is in a frame in my house that says, Courage..." 

I got to complete 9 miles with my cousin Katie this morning. It was good for my soul. There's nothing better than beautiful conversation about life in beautiful weather! Today, I am celebrating my sweet kids that I am so blessed to have. The fact I have 5 beautiful children is mind blowing and incredibly amazing. They are living proof that miracles happen. I am celebrating Waves of Grace and this life-giving ministry the Lord has placed in our hands. I am amazed that He somehow reached me in my grief. I did not know how to handle the loss of my mother and best friend. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her and hearing her voice ever again. It was like He said, "Here, take this. This is what I want you to do with your grief. This is how you will still feel close to your mom and this is what I want these cancer patients to experience, rest."

Thanks for supporting our mission at Waves of Grace. Your prayers, encouragement, and donations have blown us away.

Thank You Pure7 Studios

We had the privilege of having our family beach pictures taken by the amazing Pure7 Studios on our 2016 fall break at Grayton Beach, FL in October. I am honored to call Ryan & Erica, the owners of Pure7 studios, friends. They've been generously donating sessions to the Waves of Grace beach trip recipients since we started two years ago. The photos they capture of cancer patients and their loved ones leave us speechless. Their work is beautiful and the moments they capture through their photography are truly priceless. We were blessed to be on the receiving end of their generosity and will treasure these pictures forever. Ryan captured the personalities of my babies perfectly! We highly recommend them if you're headed to the Emerald Coast for a vacation, destination wedding, etc. Ryan is an amazingly talented photographer and he and his wife, Erica, have an incredible passion for helping others. I couldn't pick my favorite pictures so I created a slideshow of the ones that steal my heart...

We loved having Grandma & Grandpa join us on vacation this year. They got to jump in our photo session! I love these shots...