The closet is trashed again but I saw Jesus.

It's been 3 weeks since school let out for summer break. This is fun and overwhelming for most parents. Sure, it's great to not have to pack lunches and push the kids out the door to the bus stop and preschool. I'm not one for strict schedules and structures so it's been nice to wing it most days and spontaneously go swimming or walk to the park. We didn't sign the kids up for camps, vbs, or summer play days at preschool and I am feeling it this week. Ha! But we do have swim lessons for the boys next week and Callie's gymnastics. We are registering 3 boys for fall soccer. So this quiet summer before school, gymnastics meets, and soccer starts up will be nice if we can make it through without a trip to the ER. The door closed on Callie's hand this morning. Thankfully she is fine. And we are all getting through summer days with lots of grace.

The last 3 weeks have been pretty emotional for many reasons. 5 kids at home all summer will make anyone a little crazy. We have house repairs coming at us left and right. It's all part of home owning and adulting. I think this time of year is just difficult in general ever since mom passed away. July 15th will make 5 years without her. Grief changes. I don't think it gets easier. Just different. I think what I am realizing these last few weeks is that the more time passes without my mom, I find myself panicking. It's like the farther away my contact with her gets, I'm fumbling around life trying to remember every part of her. And some days, I just can't remember and I can't find her and life feels really overwhelming without the one person that always came to the rescue.

This morning the kids got creative and made the bottom of the coat closet (that I just cleaned out) into a lil corner to play in with flashlights, snacks, pillows, and toys. I could hear them giggling and then all of a sudden they were yelling my name and freaking out because they could not see anything. Clay had turned the flashlight off and no one could find it anywhere amongst the items they shoved in the closet. And then it clicked. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. This was my 3 weeks in a nut shell. I dropped my flashlight and I can't find it because of all this other stuff in life happening around me. I know it's there. But I know mom isn't. My kids had me to physically open the closet door and help them find the flashlight. I don't have that person. And I miss it terribly. I do however, have an amazing husband, friends, and sisters that point me to the light. They help me see when I can't. They remind me who I am. They laugh with me and cry with me. They point me to Jesus who can rescue me in any situation. Some days it's hard to grasp that when you don't actually physically feel it or see it. But I'm grateful He shows up in those places. I'm grateful He teaches me how much He loves me through my kids. I hope that when my kids look back on this silly blog of my thoughts, that they know they always have a rescuer in Mike and I, but more importantly Jesus. Mike and I won't be around forever and there will be times in our lives that we just can't be there with each one of them. And there will be instances where rescuing them isn't within our human capability. When they're fumbling around for the light, I hope they remember it's never lost. It's always with them, it's in them and it will always rescue them no matter what's happening because Jesus is the light.